As Jon Snow’s direwolf would probably say (if it were both able to speak and a tennis fan from 21st-century Earth instead of a pet from a fictitious medieval planet) Wimbledon is Coming.
Wimbledon is arguably the world’s most prestigious tennis tournament and is famous for its white-or-nothing dress code. One which is strictly enforced. To celebrate this great event, and its draconian dress code, we’ve compiled a list of cars which only look good in white.
We start in courtside in England, as all the best people do, with the classic Jaguar E-Type. In white, it kicks posterior; as regal as Her Majesty tolerating us all from the Royal Box. The virginal bonnet extends lengthily like the train of Diana’s wedding gown drunkenly fitted wrong way round.
In red? Oh dear, this is trying rather hard wouldn’t one agree? No sex, please. We’re British. Small surprise the E-Type’s vulgar vendor is from California, the home of hooliganism in tennis wear!
2016 Fiat Punto
Italians aren’t known for their tennis stars but check out the 2016 Fiat Punto dressed in white. Angelic and agile-looking, it reminds one of Evonne Goolagong shyly lifting her eleventh Grand Slam plate.
In yellow, it looks like a jaundiced puppy nipped by the Zika virus during an Olympics qualifying match.
2016 BMW 7 Series
In a conservative coat of weiss, the 2016 BMW 7 Series is your athletic mobile German laboratory, exactingly challenging the laws of physics on the lawns of Wimblebahn.
In black, the 7 Series hollers third-quarter bonus for the Wall Street One Percent and “I don’t brake for less than $5,000 a day.” This model features the long wheelbase; not that you’d ever allow passengers, but it keeps you farther from your driver when his silent services are occasionally required.
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2008 Mazda Miata
The 2008 Mazda Miata in white is as innocent and endearing as a lab mouse ducking and deking a maze for the prize of white cheddar.
In red, it looks like it should be public transport, ferrying pudgy middle-aged men to therapy.
1929 Leyland Lioness
One must not forget the little people. After all, how are commons to arrive at Wimbledon if not by charabanc? How diverting and elegant the ride in this 1929 Leyland Lioness would be!
In any colour other than white? The effect is rather less elegant.
Staying with the people for the nonce, a white ambulance quietly says professionalism; the dream job of the little boys it passes; and the symbolic opposite of death, the hopeful prayer of those it transports.
Checkered in Chiclets yellow and green like some court-fool’s motley coxcomb, this East Anglian abomination, which does duty not even 100 miles from Her Majesty’s Royal Box in Wimbledon, is a noisy Yes vote for the Brexit.
[We interrupt this slide show for a tennis public service: Someone please tell Canada’s sportscasters that the T in Wimbledon is pronounced like a D. Now back to white cars!]
Smart Fortwo Cabriolet
The retractable roof of the white Smart Fortwo Cabriolet is reminiscent of Wimbledon’s Centre Court. With spare room for corgis, the Smart smartly fits those tiny British roads (which seem so quaint to Canadians till they become caught in a bus sandwich).
Size isn’t all, mind. You could easily mistake this red Smart car for a particularly fat strawberry served in the stands.
1986 Buick Grand National
1986 Buick Grand National in white? Actually, this entry is a bit of an easter egg for our readers. The editors are waiting to see soon and how often the corrections arrive after this article is posted. A nuclear missile with steering, the Grand National was only available in black. But just imagine it in white! (Or spend 20 seconds in Photoshop.) Polar bears are even cooler than grizzlies.
A miracle of plastic and oil fumes enveloping a strapping two-stroke engine, the 1959 Trabant was produced in the worker’s paradise of Saxony (which sounds so much more romantic than East Germany).
The advantage of the white exterior? During a Moscow winter, you could mistake it for a snow bank, which was worth more and better made.
Options like colour (and quality) weren’t priorities for the Trabant’s manufacturer, VEB Sachsenring. The year this car was produced, luckier party members were offered blue.
Little White Corvette
We end where we started with royalty – sort of. The late, great Prince would likely not have believed a little white Corvette was “much too fast”. The colour doesn’t seem to incense police as much.
See you courtside in white.